No Acceptance Without Self-Acceptance (Winter 1995)

By Larry Sailor

 

You know, you just have to give people a chance! My whole life I made assumptions about what people would think of me if they knew I was gay and if they heard how badly I stutter. I was convinced that if people learned I am a homosexual, they would reject me and I would be ashamed and alone all my life. Likewise, in my scenario, they would think me stupid or mentally deranged if I opened my mouth and they heard me stumble and block on my words. These assumptions were wrong. What a wonderful revelation it has been (and continues each day to be) to find that people are willing to accept this gay man as a friend and colleague. I find they respect me and value my work even though I stutter. I am living proof of the cliche that we cannot expect others to accept us until we accept (and love) ourselves.

 

A few months ago, I installed on my office wall the large Keith Haring poster of the figure coming out of the closet and the words "National Coming Out Day--November 11." The way it was placed, no one entering my work area could avoid seeing the poster. Keep in mind that I work in the headquarters of a huge federal agency that tends toward a conservative viewpoint. However, the response to my poster has been just great. A number of people have congratulated me for hanging it--one coworker walked in, burst into tears and told me that she is a closeted lesbian and that she is so glad to know she has a kindred spirit. Sure, a few people have preferred to stare at their feet and tried to make a quick exit, but even they haven't been unpleasant. I really do think that this poster (and the rainbow flag I wear on the lapel of my jacket each day) have opened lines of communication and trust with many of my coworkers. Actually, the stuttering problem is proving to be harder to deal with than the gay issue. I still have to force myself to speak up in meetings and I still get those stomach churnings when I have to say my name during meeting introductions. I despise the national conference calls where there are scores of unseen people on the line.

 

So far, I've been lucky because I haven't come up against the ignorant person who makes rude comments about me for being gay or a stutterer. It's inevitable that I will encounter him or her eventually, but I can handle the situation. It's comforting to know that we are not alone--all of us who are on the "Passing Twice" mailing list understand and share these concerns. We have each other.

 

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